I just gave a group meeting, i.e. I presented my research from the past 6 weeks.  Total trainwreck... at least the last half hour.  My advisor asked me to go over the mechanism of the polymerization that I that I was talking about and my heart dropped to my stomach.  It's not a feeling that you get very often and one of the worst you can feel.  It's worse than the sinking guilt or the irreversible mistake.  Here you are, standing in front of your colleagues, and you know that you are about to be exposed something of a fraud.  He proceeded to talk me through the mechanism and I showed little to no chemical knowledge, most exemplified by my incorrect drawing or isopropanol.  This is something that a freshman in chemistry knows, this is something that an average joe walking down the street might know; here I am a second year grad student and I couldn't produce.  My oral exams are in less than a year and if I offered up that kind of performance I would be laughed out of the department.  Anyway, just thought I'd share my story; I was totally embarrassed in front of those that I'd most like to have respect me, so maybe the reader of this blog will feel better about himself having read my doleful woeful saga.

Don't worry too much about me though, as with most of my failures this one was a little larger in my head than in reality, though not by much.  I did get some comfort from my fellow labmates, along with their assurance that it wasn't so bad but who can tell if that was just pity.  The one who's opinion I respect most didn't say anything and avoided eye contact as if he was too embarrassed for me or by me to talk.  Guess I need to hit the books.

Fucking cathartic